Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
