I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
