he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
