He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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