Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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