If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just pee around me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize