I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
