I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
