Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
