just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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