your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
