I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
