He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i believe in u and ur pee
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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