she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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