I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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