I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
