WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
