I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
