good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
