So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
