I wish my penis had an off switch
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
