I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
