in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
