so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
