WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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