I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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