My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
