I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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