I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
