FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
