We're like a lot better than the average bears
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
