woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
