4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
