This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
