careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
