I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
