why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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