Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
