Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
