Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
