It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
