Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
