How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
