Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
