there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
