because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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