so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
