hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
