We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
