and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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