Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
