you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
