whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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