do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
