dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
