Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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