Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
