i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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