Umm I'm too high to move.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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