Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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