I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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